A Million Little Pieces #6

The final test in, A Million Little Pieces, is when James Frey, a twenty three year old man walks into a bar with his brother, a friend, and forty dollars, to prove once and for all that he can stop being the addict and alcoholic he has been categorized as for so many years. He orders a tall glass of whisky and sits at the counter alone, smelling, looking touching, the alcohol but not drinking it. The final moment is when James creeps his head up towards the mirror and finally looks himself in the eye which is something he has been struggling to do for the entire book;

For the first time in my life, as I look into my own eyes, I like what I see. I can live with it. I want to live with it. For a long time. I want to live with it. I want to live” (429).

James has come such a long way in the short span of his book but he has finally begun to shape himself into the kind of man he wants to be. He has a yes or no decision to make. Drink. Don’t Drink. Just like that he gets up from the bar and walks over to the pool table and plays a round with his brother. At the end of the book there is a list of what happened to some of the more important characters later on in life and it is sad to see that very few continue one the safe journey to recovery. The strength needed to overcome the kind of addiction James had is unbelievable and truly amazing.

A Million Little Pieces #5

One of the more intense scenes in, A Million Little Pieces, is when Lily and James are caught together and Lily leaves the rehab center after being told they will not be able to see each other again. When James asks Lincoln where Lily is he tells him, “We know what we’re doing here. We have rules for a reason. Maybe you’ll listen a bit better from now on” (345). James is infuriated and knows that he can help Lily and wants to go after her. Hank takes James along with Lincoln on a search for Lily. When James finds out where she is, he immediately runs into the crack house to rescue her without a second thought. The entire time the question of if he will be able to withstand the powerful drug is bouncing around in your mind. When he walks in to find Lily selling her body for drugs, he orders the man out of the room and turns to Lily, “She crawls into the corner, clutching her gear. She shakes her head. We’re going to leave that shit here and we’re going home. She clutches, shakes her head, her eyes are gone, she is gone” (355). I can’t imagine the effect these drugs have on people I just know that it is something I hope I am never forced to deal with, especially with someone I love.

As James sits in the corner clutching Lily;
There is a burst of anger and fear and punching and pushing and she stops. Goes limp. I feel the pipe and bag against my chest. I feel them fall away, hear them hit the floor. I think about picking them up the urge is so f***ing strong I hold on to her. I hold on until it goes away. Hold on. (355)
This is the first instance where James fights his urges using not the rehab way but his own determination and love for Lily. He puts her ahead of him and is therefore able to get them both out of there unharmed. Although it is a miracle that he was able to resist the drug, one questions what may happen when Lily isn’t there to take his mind away.

A Million Little Pieces #4

James is very set against believing in a higher power, especially God. He has even read the bible but it just does not ring through with him. Seeing as how the AA program centers around the concept of a higher power this creates a problem. Instead of putting his belief in God, but puts it in love. In a way its odd because they are both very similar. Neither God nor love can be seen or proven to exist, you can only feel in it and trust in it. James decides to put his faith in Lily. Lily is the girl he met briefly on his first day. They begin sneaking out to the woods together at night and developing a close bond. They are both very messed up and have a certain comfort with each other knowing that this connects them. The only issue is that socialization between sexes isn’t allowed. Joanne finds out about their little meetings and confronts James, “You should be concentrating on what you’re here for, which is getting sober and rebuilding your life. Lilly is a distraction that takes you away from that. Both of you are very fragile and vulnerable right now, and if something went wrong between the two of you, it would jeopardize your sobriety” (254). Joanne is trying to keep Lily and James apart when it is the only thing that will make him better.

Shortly after leaving his meeting with Joanne, he is called back to her office and informed that his parents have enrolled in the family program. What he calls “the fury”, his uncontrollable anger, immediately flares up. He is not close with his parents and for some reason whenever they turn up, the fury gets stronger. His mother asks him to quit smoking and he replies, “I’ll give you a choice, Mom. I can either smoke cigarettes or smoke crack. You make the call. She recoils, obviously hurt. I knew it would happen, but I did it anyway” (258). Even though he doesn’t want to hurt his mom, being mean is his ultimate defense.

A Million Little Pieces #3

On Roy’s final night in the program, James decides it is time for him to give up and plans on leaving that night. He even returns the few pieces of clothing he has borrowed from others along with notes of thanks. He sits down to dinner with Leonard, the older man who just won’t seem to leave him alone, to eat his final meal. Leonard says one day James will get tired of being a jerk and talk to him and that he is going to keep sitting with him until he does but James just laughs in his face and walks away. James then sits through the lecture thinking how glad he is that it will be the last one. As he walks out the door he hears someone coming after him and turns. Its Leonard. He asks;

Where you going?
A hand on my shoulder. I push it off.
Stop for a second, Kid.
A hand on my shoulder. I push it off. Hands on both my shoulders. Stronger than I expected. They stop me and they turn me around.(105)

James finally agrees to stay for 24 more hours. The next day Leonard tells James his story and the fact that he confided in him and believes in him subconsciously convinces James to give it one more shot. When his 24 hours are up, he doesnt leave. When a people reach out so help someone, they often just give up after one denial and say they did the best they could when really, all they need is one more push in the right direction. If everyone actually tried to help each other instead of just doing what is convenient, the world could end up in a much better place. Leonard has realized this and intends to make James come to this conclusion as well.

A Million Little Pieces #2

The next section I read starts when James is moving into his room and being integrated into the general program. Everyone is assigned a chore which is called their “job” and his happens to be cleaning the bathrooms. One night James has what is called a user dream where he is doing drugs and drinking in his dream but it is almost real. He can’t get back to sleep therefore he decides he might as well get his job out of the way. The bathroom is sparkling when he finally falls back to sleep but when he wakes up, it is a disaster. Roy, a man who has been bugging him recently, is behind this mess. When he begins to yell at James and come after him about the bathroom not being clean, James beats him almost senseless. The supervisors automatically assume that he did it for no reason and was just being out of control which just makes him even angrier.

This instance doesn’t help him keep much faith into the program. The only person who sees through that is the psychiatrist, Joanne, which helps form a bond between them. This all comes back to the question of why the retaliator always gets the blame. Even though Roy started the problem, , that doesn’t make it the right choice. People are expected to fall apart when something terrible happens; it is the people who keep living their lives the same that are truly remarkable.

A Million Little Pieces #1

This quarter I chose to read the memoir, A Million Little Pieces, by James Frey. He tells the story the terrifying battle he fought against both alcoholism and heavy drug abuse. The book starts with him waking up on a plane, barely able to lift his head, with no recollection of how he wound up there or where he is headed. As he lies on the floor of the plane, he feels the urge to throw up, “I rub my stomach. I can feel it coming. Fast and strong and burning. No way to stop it, just close your eyes and let it ride. It comes and I recoil from the stench and the pain. There’s nothing I can do” (2). James knows he is out of control but that obviously is not making him want to change, he is too deep in his addiction. When he finally arrives in Chicago and is greeted by his parents who he feels a certain distance from which is obvious by their reactions to each other. As they are driving along in the car, his parents inform James that he is being admitted to a very respectable drug rehabilitation center in the Minneapolis area. He is aware that he will die soon if he doesn’t get help. Although his life is not that important to him, he does not resist which shines just a little bit of hope that he could get better. After he gets checked into the facility, he is analyzed by the doctors and begins detoxification. The extent to which James had submerged himself in these terrible substances is quite overwhelming and hard to imagine. He is an alcoholism is accompanied by the abuse of cocaine, pills, acid, mushrooms, meth, PCP, and glue (9).

The style of writing that is used really helps you get inside James’s head and understand him better. The areas talking about his feelings often use short incomplete sentences or even just one word. You can tell he wasn’t always that way and it’s shocking to see how fast one’s life can be turned upside down. When he is finally alone is his room, the realization of what he has done to his life begins to hit him, “I stand. I look around me. I don’t know anything. Where I am, why, what happened, how to escape. My name my life. I curl up on the floor and I am crushed by images and sounds” (11). I think it is impossible to completely understand until it happens to you. Even just one little mistake can reverse your entire universe